One of the things that hurts me more than the pain from RA, is that I say things that I never would have before all of this. Sometimes my words hurt those who I love the most. I would never intentionally hurt anyone, but especially those who I love. I have always been one to say my words carefully and make sure that what I do say comes out in a positive caring manner.
As my pain has increased, I have noticed that sometimes things come out of my mouth in a way never intended. I have hurt those who only care about me. I have been angry at those who do not deserve it at all. I immediately feel horrible about my words and wish I could take them back. This is why I have always chosen my words carefully, as you can never take them back. Hurtful words can be remembered forever. This is not how I want to be remembered.
RA not only affects the person living with it, but all those who are near to the person affected. By afternoon I have usually gotten my emotions under control and can put on my brave face, but mornings are still a demon I continue to battle and so far I am loosing that fight. It is not a good excuse but my pain is so severe in the mornings that I feel angry. Angry at what it has taken from me, Angry that I am not the same person, Angry that this will continue to get worse. Angry that my loved ones are having to deal with this other me, Angry that all my plans will have to be put aside or forgotten completely. Angry that my promises have all changed.
I see it in my children’s faces and I hear it in their words. So while I am the one with RA, they are suffering from the side affects of it as well. A mother always wants to protect her children, no matter their age. I can no longer hide what is happening to me and so I pile on more guilt for what they are having to deal with.
While I cannot fix or change what is happening to me, I pray that God gives me the strength to go through this in a graceful manner that will allow me to still be the kind and loving parent and friend that I have always been. And I must remember that those who love me, are suffering also. I am not alone in this journey and the ones around me need comforting as well.