As you all know for the past 4 years my health truly started failing me and at a pace that I just had such a difficult time dealing with it all. I also became very depressed and while I tried to share with all my Facebook friends and family, I was still in a very dark place. I began to feel as though I was being punished and God had just left me here alone to struggle with all of this. I kept so much buried inside and that is never a good thing for anyone to do, it just allows one to be swallowed by darkness. My depression just fed off of this and got worse. I tried to put on this happy face, when inside I was just feeling so alone and broken. I was so focused on what was coming in my future, that I forgot to just be happy for today. I finally started reading my bible again, listening to my favorite music and I allowed myself to feel Jesus again. He never left me but I had forgotten to just give him my pain and tears.
I now have a therapist that I will be seeing to help talk things out, I am very happy to finally have someone who I can truly vent all of my feelings and fears as I haven’t wanted to share those things with my family. I also have specialist now for each of my illnesses, unfortunately none of my disease are curable or even have simple treatments.
The Rheumatoid Disease has progressed quickly and most of my joints are affected with my knees being the worst, so walking is always painful now. I have chronic bronchitis and only get a few days of relief in between starting treatment for it again. My depression is fairly well controlled right now, which is a huge blessing. My cognitive memory loss is probably the hardest for me to deal with mentally. I use to remember everything and now I forget so many things and struggle to find words.
I truly believe that I needed to go through all of this to help others who are also struggling and keeping it silent. I thought my days of joy were all over. But….I was wrong!!!! By the grace of God I am still here and hopefully for many more years. And I am Beautifully broken! As long as there is breath in my body and lungs, I will keep sharing my story in hopes that it helps others. There is a reason I am still here and I won’t waste a moment of it. My story isn’t over yet….