This past week I have felt that dark pull of depression again. It is like a dark cloud that is only visible to me. My soul is crushed a little more each time I feel this darkness coming on.
I use to believe that depression was something a person could just work themselves out of. I was so wrong and to all those who suffer this dreadful disease I apologize for my own ignorance. I have also learned that disease carries a ridiculous stigma and I am hoping by posting my own issues for everyone to read, it may help others who live with this alone.
I found the following quote at What Depression Feels Like
“The only thing more exhausting than being depressed is pretending that you’re not.”
Actors choose to play a role; severely depressed people feel they have no choice but to put on an Academy Award-worthy performance of someone who is enjoying his or her time on the planet. However, there are huge emotional costs to hiding your truth such as an increase in the sense of disconnect from others in your life. When there is no one with whom you can be ‘real’, there is no break from your misery and solitude. Thus the sense of exhaustion that is wrapped into depression grows exponentially. Each time you lie and say you are fine, you die a little more inside.
This spoke to my heart and soul. It is exactly what I have tried to do with my family, but it truly doesn’t work. They see the other me that is being pulled into the darkness, not the person who had spent her entire life full of happiness and joy. I truly have nobody close that I can discuss any of this with. Unless you have experienced it yourself, it just sounds silly to most people. They think you can just do a hobby, watch a movie or something to make yourself happy.
Depression is not sadness or the lack of happiness. It is more a lack of any feeling at all. Oh there are tears but even I cannot explain or give a reason for them. I feel lost and alone during these dark times. I am exhausted from the moment I get up and cannot wait to go back to bed just to sleep and escape this. I have no hope, and without hope how can I even see or want a future.
When you compile my depression, anxiety and all my other painful diseases it makes for a very rough time. My body is literally dying, is it no wonder I am depressed.However depression comes from a disease in our brains. My life and myself as I knew, is gone forever.
I am trying desperately to accept what my life is now and let go of the past and for the most part I can….except when the depression increases. Now the only thing I can do is have my doctor increase my meds and then be happy for awhile until they no longer work again. Its a vicious cycle.
If you know anyone suffering from depression, please do not try to give them advice….just love them and be there for them. Even if you sit in silence with them, at least they will know you care and understand. So many feel they are looked down upon, lets help change that and walk a mile in their shoes.
We are not scary or crazy, we are scared and lonely even in a room full of people.
I am blessed that I have God to hold onto, even when I doubt he is there…I know he is carrying me through the darkness.